We all know what sexual confidence looks like. It’s the bombshell hot chick in the movie who performs an epic striptease that drives the nerds wild. It’s the sexy cougar summoning the pool boy to lather her with sunscreen. It’s the type of confidence and straight-forward attitude towards sex without a hint of shame. But, can we all achieve it? The short answer is yes. Yet, I understand why some women feel like it’s out of reach.
I used to be that girl.
When I was a teenager, the mirror was my enemy. I never really saw myself as beautiful or sexy. And, this was before the toxicity of the Instagram-influencer image began to permeate the teenage stratosphere. Between my body dysmorphia and the media’s oversexed obsession with a ‘perfect figure,’ I constantly felt less-than. Not to mention, taking pleasure in my own body was off the table. Masturbation was barely even taught in my health class, and it was something that ‘young ladies’ shouldn’t ever be caught doing. God forbid we ever enjoy our own sexuality. The distaste for my own body tied with the shame of wanting to touch it lead me to completely lacking sexual confidence.
Unlearning shame is tough, but there are measures that can be taken to enhance our sexual confidence. Check out these 10 quick tips that have helped me, and can help you, become a more sexually confident person.
1. Look at yourself naked
Your body is amazing. You’re a fucking wo-man! Give yourself a chance to appreciate your body by accepting the image staring back at you. Acknowledge your curves, dimples, and lines. And, give yourself a break. All of these things, even the so-called ‘flaws’, are there because you’ve lived and grown. And most importantly, take a look at that magical spot between your legs. It’s astounding to me how many women I’ve met who have never even seen their vaginas. Sexual confidence is about giving thanks to the wonderful things your body can do for you. That clitoris of yours is capable of unbelievable pleasure. That’s why simply standing in front of a mirror is so powerful. Spread your legs, look at your clitoris, and enjoy the view.
2. Masturbate in front of a mirror
Now that we’ve got you naked in front of a mirror, it couldn’t hurt to watch yourself masturbate. Allow yourself to totally let go, moan, and take note of how your body reacts to your own touch. Many women who begin masturbating in front of a mirror actually say that it’s a huge turn on. Once you witness your power to have that kind of control and mastery of your own body, your self-esteem will begin to grow.
3. Buy lingerie
Investing in clothing that makes you feel sexy and beautiful is a way to give authority to yourself as a sexual being. For a long time, I used to think that buying lingerie while single was a waste of time. This was a clear implication that I didn’t feel like investing in my own sexuality was worthwhile without a partner. Once you shop for lingerie for you and you alone, you put yourself in the driver’s seat. Whether it’s the sale rack or an uppity lingerie store, a g-string or a teddy, putting some dollars towards something that makes yourself feel beautiful is going to show you that you deserve it.
4. Read erotica
Part of having sexual confidence is having a grasp on the language of sexuality, or knowing exactly how to articulate what you want in bed. Reading erotica that appeals to your sexual fantasies allows you to gain a deeper understanding of sexual language that makes sense for you. What kind of erotica would turn you on? Do you love 50 Shades of Grey, or do you fantasize about the stableboy taking you roughly in the barn? Maybe you yearn for one of those legendary 70s orgies that used to rock the Hollywood Hills? Or go completely wild with shape shifters fantasies? Once you master your sexual vocabulary, you’ll find that you are better able to tell a partner exactly what you need to get off.
5. Have fun with experimentation
Give yourself permission to see sex as something that is fun and exciting. One of the best ways to do this is to go shopping for some sex toys! There are so many things on the market now that might enhance your experience. From heated lubricants to epic vibrators, to nipple-clamps, and beyond, there are tons of things to investigate. Experimentation is also a fantastic way to break through barriers that might be halting your sexual confidence. It shows you that there aren’t many limitations when it comes to pleasure, and walls that you might have imagined can easily be knocked down if it serves you.
6. Acknowledge your boundaries
For those of us who struggle with sexual confidence, the idea of ‘boundaries’ is often far from our minds. This is because our sexual experiences have been insecure and guided by the pleasure of others. To acknowledge your boundaries, it can be helpful to go through your sexual experiences and focus on the things that brought you pleasure and the things that didn’t. Where do you draw the line?
Side note: Try bondage! If you feel like experimenting with your boundaries, you can play around with bondage. Grab someone you trust and have them tie you up. You’ll find that being bound can be a liberating experience that employs play, sex, power, and trust.
7. Make your bedroom a sexy sanctuary
Your space is a reflection of yourself, and this is especially true of your bedroom. If it’s cluttered and messy, you are sending a signal to yourself that you don’t need to have control of your personal space. Turn your bedroom in a place that feels cozy, inviting, and sexually liberating to you. Clean it up, invest in some sheets that make you feel sexy in bed, and add some strong sensual candles. The scent of cinnamon is actually known to enhance libido, so try to find a candle with a touch of that heat! These minor changes will not only allow you to get the most out of your bedroom, but also make you feel more confident about letting others into that space as well.
8. Make an erotic playlist
We often forget that auditory pleasure is a part of sex. Music, like sensuality, is an art form that has the ability to completely alter our emotional state. Give yourself the ability to incorporate art into the sexual experience by making a sexy playlist. Try some smooth jazz, bump n’ grind rap, or any music that makes you wet. For me personally, it’s pretty much anything by The Weekend. It can be one you put on when you are feeling yourself or one you use with a partner. Whenever you want to get in the mood, it helps to know you’ve got something self-curated at your fingertips!
9. Learn about self-pleasure
Knowledge is power, which is why it’s so disappointing that sexual education rarely puts an emphasis on pleasure. Most of the time, self-pleasure is completely excluded from the conversation leaving a lot of adults in the dark, and perhaps ashamed, to learn about what can be pleasurable. Take the reins of your own sexual education by researching self-pleasure methods and experiment with the newfound information. Are you someone who loves the deep penetration, or do you need some clit touching to get you going? Did you know that nipples are capable of having their own orgasms? Knowing that pleasure is in your own hands will make you feel more secure in your sexuality.
As important as it is to acknowledge our bodies, sexual confidence is also about placing value on the soul. Meditation, in its many forms, has historically been a way for people to embrace their mind and soul while temporarily detaching from the body. It helps us to gain an understanding that, while our bodies are important, they aren’t everything and they don’t define who we are inside. Strengthening the concept of ‘the soul’ is a way to enhance and build confidence that shines from the inside out.
O o o o O
As human beings, it’s natural to feel not so confident sometimes. But it doesn’t have to define your sexual experience! These tips are here for you anytime you begin to slip into that state of mind. At the end of the day, it’s about showing yourself some love and curating experiences around you that make you feel sexy, wet, and ready to get it on. Try them one at a time, or all at once! Each tip is going to appeal to you in a different way, so do what feels comfortable. Placing yourself in sexual situations, alone or with another person, where you feel in control and tantalized is what’s going to show you that you’re totally capable of taking ownership of your sexual self.